The Optimistic Pessimist

I had a revelation of sorts after yoga tonight. I remembered back to when I was in high school and I would be driving up and down town after work or anytime really, and I would see a friend I knew and would honk. It would always make me smile and it was just fun. I thought about this as someone pulled up behind me and my first thought was that they would honk at me because I wasn't doing something right.

As this thought popped in my head, the revelation came to mind. My first thought would've been to throw up my hand at the person but what if it was someone I knew? It made me think that I am an optimistic person but through the years have turned rather negative.

I at first think the absolute best of someone or a situation but when something reminds me of the way I've been treated in the past, I immediately turn inward and pessimistic. This has been a constant for the past few years that I can remember. This is with everyone in my life, friends, family, dates…you name it. Because of this, it has led to many poor decisions. I think of the ways to get these people back into my life by whatever means possible because I don't want to lose them. I don't know where this neediness comes from but it comes from some previous experience in life, I'm sure.

With this realization though comes growth. I can recognize that this is happening daily with my personal and work life. It's always my first thought that when someone wants to talk about something, even at work, I've done something wrong. I've said it many times but I truly am my worst enemy. I can now focus on the good and realize that not every encounter or message I do or don't receive are because of me or my doing. I take responsibility for my wrong doings but I will now take stock of my experiences and be truly the optimistic person I know I am.

If I cut out the pessimism that I am so good at pointing inward and realize that not all people are out to get me or put me down, then I can live a freer life. I don't want to think that I always do something or say something wrong but up until now, that's how I've thought. If something goes wrong, it's something I've done. While I know that there are things that I do right and will take responsibility for my wrong doings, I don't want to live as if every bad thing is my fault.

A hopeless romantic optimist is what I think and what I know I am. Now, the hard work is to make sure the pessimist doesn't win.