Who Judges You?

This is something that is always on my mind. We allow so many opinions into our life about how we should live our life. We are judged for so many things and then judged for allowing those things to judge us. When do we allow ourselves to just be ourselves?

I have been judged for not having the right job, that pays the right money. Judged for being too skinny. Judged for being too confident and not confident enough. I've allowed these things to impact my life and make me feel less than.

I've had friends that have judged me for certain moves or career choices that I've made because my gut told me to go for it. I've also had friends judge me for how hard I am on myself physically. I know they mean to be supportive and help me with my decisions but there are times that I want them to just say "you do you and if it makes you happy, go for it."

Let me explain the things that I'm judged for, or perceived that I'm judged for. I don't want to be rich. I want to be comfortable. My life goal is to have a husband and a family. People see that as a negative at times and I have always seen it as a positive. This traditional view that I have is judged because it isn't what society believes I should be going for. I should be trying to make the career move that will land me money and power. That is never what I've wanted. Yes, I'd like to be comfortable financially but to me, love and sharing your love is something that is far more important than the amount of money you make. Unfortunately, you can't survive this society with that mindset.

People will say, "yes you can, you just haven't found it yet." Well, that's bullshit. If you come from a wealthy family, you can pursue traveling to find your place and what you are passionate about. If you don't have money, you go from job to job to make ends meet. Then that consumes so much that you don't have time to do the things you want because you are working two or three jobs just to get by. Is this what life is about? Not in my opinion.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin and not constantly judge myself for my emotions or how I look physically but we have it thrown in our faces constantly what "men" should look like. Just look at any LGBT related article. If it has to do with research, there's some mostly naked model with chiseled features explaining to us the most recent HIV studies or what have you. What does that have to do with the research being presented? Then you see social media. All the guys that men are fawning over are always in the best shape and posted as "gymspiration". You know what that does to me? Makes me feel awful and less than. My "gymspiration" is my former self. I want to be better than I was yesterday. I go to the gym for myself, not my future partner.

We are told that if our goals in life don't include money, then we are not going to make it in life. I don't want someone that is going to take care of me. I want to take care of myself. I also want someone that will be there for me and support me. A career is not important to me. Money is not important to me. Love is important to me. Emotional connectedness is important to me. Friends and family are important to me. These things that are important to me are seen as hampering my career.

It is extremely difficult to say that those outside voices mean nothing and I should stick to my own goals when every day those goals are judged and I'm looked as less than because of those goals. I don't want them to be such a constant in my life but the fact is, they are constantly put to me.

Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic that still believes that my true love is out there. I am constantly pushed to the side but each time that happens, I eventually get right back into my romantic ideology and hope for that connection again. Yes, that romanticism pushes me back career wise but you know what? That career isn't going to go on a road trip with me. That career isn't going to hold me when I'm feeling down. That career isn't going to encourage me to take a risk.

Judge me and my hopes and dreams all you will. I will listen to them, even though I don't want to, but also encourage me when I want to make those crazy gut reaction decisions because each time I've made those decisions, I've learned something about myself.

The Optimistic Pessimist

I had a revelation of sorts after yoga tonight. I remembered back to when I was in high school and I would be driving up and down town after work or anytime really, and I would see a friend I knew and would honk. It would always make me smile and it was just fun. I thought about this as someone pulled up behind me and my first thought was that they would honk at me because I wasn't doing something right.

As this thought popped in my head, the revelation came to mind. My first thought would've been to throw up my hand at the person but what if it was someone I knew? It made me think that I am an optimistic person but through the years have turned rather negative.

I at first think the absolute best of someone or a situation but when something reminds me of the way I've been treated in the past, I immediately turn inward and pessimistic. This has been a constant for the past few years that I can remember. This is with everyone in my life, friends, family, dates…you name it. Because of this, it has led to many poor decisions. I think of the ways to get these people back into my life by whatever means possible because I don't want to lose them. I don't know where this neediness comes from but it comes from some previous experience in life, I'm sure.

With this realization though comes growth. I can recognize that this is happening daily with my personal and work life. It's always my first thought that when someone wants to talk about something, even at work, I've done something wrong. I've said it many times but I truly am my worst enemy. I can now focus on the good and realize that not every encounter or message I do or don't receive are because of me or my doing. I take responsibility for my wrong doings but I will now take stock of my experiences and be truly the optimistic person I know I am.

If I cut out the pessimism that I am so good at pointing inward and realize that not all people are out to get me or put me down, then I can live a freer life. I don't want to think that I always do something or say something wrong but up until now, that's how I've thought. If something goes wrong, it's something I've done. While I know that there are things that I do right and will take responsibility for my wrong doings, I don't want to live as if every bad thing is my fault.

A hopeless romantic optimist is what I think and what I know I am. Now, the hard work is to make sure the pessimist doesn't win.

Ramblings of a Gray Day

So, it’s a gloomy cold day here in Minneapolis. I’ve been fighting the winter blues often this season because it seems we’ve only seen the sun a few times the last few months. Because of this, it always makes me reflect.

With these moods, they always turn internally where I look at my life and choices and compare to others. We’ve all seen the articles of how gays hate their bodies and always feel like they fall short. We’ve seen the articles of how if you don’t make a certain amount of money, you won’t find “the one”. We are constantly bombarded by these “shaming” articles that tell you that you aren’t good enough or aren’t deserving unless you are the best of the best in the gay community.

I honestly don’t believe any of these ideas. I don’t want to so I don’t. I am a good person and deserve good things. The things in life I hold most important to me are my friends and my families. Building on these relationships is what gives me life. I don’t care if I’m not making the most money, don’t have the most glorious job, not the most good looking person. These things are nothing to me. But, I am often reminded by these short comings. When I’m reminded, that’s when I get down on myself.

I beat myself up for making a move to Minneapolis, originally for a guy who I fell in love with but ultimately broke my heart. I often think that if I stayed in Oklahoma, then a lot of these financial issues wouldn’t have occurred. There is no way to tell but I still dwell on it.

Do I regret my decision to move to Minneapolis, absolutely not. It accomplished so much more than I thought it would. I made friends that are now like family. I created dynamic relationships and amazing opportunities that I never thought I would experience. I have grown so much as a person and am so glad that I did what I did. Without that move, I would not be where I am today and where I am today is very proud of who I am.

There are still those rumblings underneath of judgement from those around me that I don’t make enough but it is what it is. That is their goal in life, not mine. I of course don’t want to struggle financially but I am comfortable with where I am. If the amount that I make or my job keeps me from a relationship, then that isn’t the person I want to be with anyway. In order to counteract the “short comings” I feel with my finances, I go to the gym. One for myself and to feel better about myself and how I look but subconsciously because I feel that is all I have to offer sometimes. It’s one thing that I can change and keep up with. I’m not where I would like to be but I know I’m not in a bad place.

There is no one that could ever judge me harsher than I judge myself and I’m sure a lot of these feelings come from that area. I know this mood will pass but it always helps to put it out there because I know I’m not the only person going through these issues. Sounds like a broken record because I’ve written about it before but I still felt like writing about it.

So, there it is. Bring me sunshine, bring me peace!

Reflections

So this year has been filled with many ups and downs. I'm glad to see it over and am looking forward to the year ahead. I have experienced the death of too many friends that were taken far too early. With their passing, a light left the world but they spread so much joy and love that they will never be forgotten.

When things like this happen, I often feel guilt for not reaching out more often. We can never know how long we are on this world or how long we have with those around us. I've never been able to deal with death because it never actually seems like that person is gone but when I think of reaching out, that's when it hits me like a ton of bricks. I realize I can no longer reach out to them to send a smile or grab a coffee to catch up.

On top of these things, it puts so much else in perspective of how much little annoyances don't matter. I try all the time to not dwell on those things so I don't give them so much power but it happens. I dealt with some massive depression but went through the proper steps to come out the other side.

I dealt with the loss of a job I enjoyed, a move from a city that put me closer to my family, and the ending of a relationship that should've ended long before it did. To say the least, it's been a rough year. It has led me to a lot of self-reflection and internalization that is always the case. I have taken responsibility for my part of these situations and have grown from the lessons that I needed to learn.

I know this post sounds really bad at the start but the best part of all this is the lessons learned and where I am today. I am going into the New Year with even more optimism than I've had in a long time. I have a good job, a great place, amazing friends and a very loving family. I went home for Christmas and completely felt like my old self again. It's been so long since I've felt this way. I am reflecting on the decisions I've made, realizing where I can improve, and remembering those I've lost with smiles. Their time may have been short but they brought so much joy to so many.

I have also found my faith one more time, which is amazing. I had ignored it for so long but it's back and I'm beaming. (Atheists, leave your comments elsewhere.) I am not a religious person but I do have faith. I don't count myself into any specific religion because my belief is that my faith is too large to be encumbered by just one religion.

Side note:

With all of this personal stuff happening, I'm also reminded of the amount of vitriol we've had to endure with the Presidential Race. I have never known such racism and hate being spewed from candidates and to see their numbers rising each time they say more of it scares me. We have to stand up and make sure the ignorant voices are not overcrowding the educated ones. Those who yell loudest must not be heard the most.

As we all start this New Year, I urge you to stand up for what you believe. When you hear or say something that you believe is racist, bigoted, homophobic, judgmental, or just plain wrong, reflect for a moment before you say it out loud. As they say "It's better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are a fool than open it and remove all doubt."

Reflect on your beliefs. Reflect on your current mindset. Reflect on the past year. Reflect on how you treat others.

…reflect in the positive and make that light shine.