This is something that is always on my mind. We allow so many opinions into our life about how we should live our life. We are judged for so many things and then judged for allowing those things to judge us. When do we allow ourselves to just be ourselves?
I have been judged for not having the right job, that pays the right money. Judged for being too skinny. Judged for being too confident and not confident enough. I've allowed these things to impact my life and make me feel less than.
I've had friends that have judged me for certain moves or career choices that I've made because my gut told me to go for it. I've also had friends judge me for how hard I am on myself physically. I know they mean to be supportive and help me with my decisions but there are times that I want them to just say "you do you and if it makes you happy, go for it."
Let me explain the things that I'm judged for, or perceived that I'm judged for. I don't want to be rich. I want to be comfortable. My life goal is to have a husband and a family. People see that as a negative at times and I have always seen it as a positive. This traditional view that I have is judged because it isn't what society believes I should be going for. I should be trying to make the career move that will land me money and power. That is never what I've wanted. Yes, I'd like to be comfortable financially but to me, love and sharing your love is something that is far more important than the amount of money you make. Unfortunately, you can't survive this society with that mindset.
People will say, "yes you can, you just haven't found it yet." Well, that's bullshit. If you come from a wealthy family, you can pursue traveling to find your place and what you are passionate about. If you don't have money, you go from job to job to make ends meet. Then that consumes so much that you don't have time to do the things you want because you are working two or three jobs just to get by. Is this what life is about? Not in my opinion.
I want to be comfortable in my own skin and not constantly judge myself for my emotions or how I look physically but we have it thrown in our faces constantly what "men" should look like. Just look at any LGBT related article. If it has to do with research, there's some mostly naked model with chiseled features explaining to us the most recent HIV studies or what have you. What does that have to do with the research being presented? Then you see social media. All the guys that men are fawning over are always in the best shape and posted as "gymspiration". You know what that does to me? Makes me feel awful and less than. My "gymspiration" is my former self. I want to be better than I was yesterday. I go to the gym for myself, not my future partner.
We are told that if our goals in life don't include money, then we are not going to make it in life. I don't want someone that is going to take care of me. I want to take care of myself. I also want someone that will be there for me and support me. A career is not important to me. Money is not important to me. Love is important to me. Emotional connectedness is important to me. Friends and family are important to me. These things that are important to me are seen as hampering my career.
It is extremely difficult to say that those outside voices mean nothing and I should stick to my own goals when every day those goals are judged and I'm looked as less than because of those goals. I don't want them to be such a constant in my life but the fact is, they are constantly put to me.
Yes, I'm a hopeless romantic that still believes that my true love is out there. I am constantly pushed to the side but each time that happens, I eventually get right back into my romantic ideology and hope for that connection again. Yes, that romanticism pushes me back career wise but you know what? That career isn't going to go on a road trip with me. That career isn't going to hold me when I'm feeling down. That career isn't going to encourage me to take a risk.
Judge me and my hopes and dreams all you will. I will listen to them, even though I don't want to, but also encourage me when I want to make those crazy gut reaction decisions because each time I've made those decisions, I've learned something about myself.
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