So, it’s a gloomy
cold day here in Minneapolis. I’ve been fighting the winter blues often this
season because it seems we’ve only seen the sun a few times the last few
months. Because of this, it always makes me reflect.
With these moods,
they always turn internally where I look at my life and choices and compare to
others. We’ve all seen the articles of how gays hate their bodies and always
feel like they fall short. We’ve seen the articles of how if you don’t make a certain
amount of money, you won’t find “the one”. We are constantly bombarded by these
“shaming” articles that tell you that you aren’t good enough or aren’t deserving
unless you are the best of the best in the gay community.
I honestly don’t
believe any of these ideas. I don’t want to so I don’t. I am a good person and
deserve good things. The things in life I hold most important to me are my
friends and my families. Building on these relationships is what gives me life.
I don’t care if I’m not making the most money, don’t have the most glorious
job, not the most good looking person. These things are nothing to me. But, I
am often reminded by these short comings. When I’m reminded, that’s when I get
down on myself.
I beat myself up
for making a move to Minneapolis, originally for a guy who I fell in love with
but ultimately broke my heart. I often think that if I stayed in Oklahoma, then
a lot of these financial issues wouldn’t have occurred. There is no way to tell
but I still dwell on it.
Do I regret my
decision to move to Minneapolis, absolutely not. It accomplished so much more
than I thought it would. I made friends that are now like family. I created
dynamic relationships and amazing opportunities that I never thought I would
experience. I have grown so much as a person and am so glad that I did what I
did. Without that move, I would not be where I am today and where I am today is
very proud of who I am.
There are still
those rumblings underneath of judgement from those around me that I don’t make
enough but it is what it is. That is their goal in life, not mine. I of course
don’t want to struggle financially but I am comfortable with where I am. If the
amount that I make or my job keeps me from a relationship, then that isn’t the
person I want to be with anyway. In order to counteract the “short comings” I
feel with my finances, I go to the gym. One for myself and to feel better about
myself and how I look but subconsciously because I feel that is all I have to
offer sometimes. It’s one thing that I can change and keep up with. I’m not
where I would like to be but I know I’m not in a bad place.
There is no one
that could ever judge me harsher than I judge myself and I’m sure a lot of
these feelings come from that area. I know this mood will pass but it always
helps to put it out there because I know I’m not the only person going through
these issues. Sounds like a broken record because I’ve written about it before
but I still felt like writing about it.
So, there it is.
Bring me sunshine, bring me peace!
